Couples Therapy Unpacked

Signs you need it, Why you can’t force it, & practical tools to try at home

Reframing the Path is a therapy blog by Melissa Rolfes, LPC - helping you make the most of your counseling experience. The information provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. While Melissa is a licensed therapist, this content does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek the guidance of a qualified professional. If you are in immediate distress, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

You’ve Seen the Reels… Here’s the Reality

If you’re on socials, you’ve probably seen it: a reel of someone whispering “therapy” or “mental health help” into their partner’s phone, captioned something like “Using the algorithm to do what I emotionally cannot.”

It’s a viral sentiment—and for good reason. Dissatisfaction in relationships is at an all-time high, leading many to consider couples therapy. A 2025 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that up to one-third of married individuals reported low marital satisfaction. While this study focused on married couples, it’s likely this statistic reflects partnerships across the board, and it may even be an understatement.

I don’t offer couples therapy myself—I haven’t pursued specialized training in that area to feel confident providing it. Couples therapy is a unique modality that requires specific skills and expertise. But as an experienced therapist, I can help you find the right provider, strengthen communication skills, and manage conflict in healthier, more effective ways.

When you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, it’s natural to think couples therapy might help. And it can. But here’s the truth: Couples therapy works best when both people actually want to be there. You can’t force someone into growth. You can invite them, sure. But dragging them? That’s a short-term fix with long-term frustration.

So instead of strategies to “convince” your partner, let’s talk about what really matters: how to know when it’s time for therapy, why forcing it usually backfires, and practical tools that you can start using right away to improve communication and connection—even if only one of you is ready.

In this article you’ll learn:

• 5 Signs You & Your Partner Might Need Couples Therapy

• 4 Things You Can Expect Once You Start Couples Therapy

• Why You Can’t Force Your Partner into Therapy & What You Can Do Instead

• 5 Couples Therapy Techniques You Can Try At Home

• BONUS: Where/How To Find a Good Couples Therapist

5 Signs You Might Need Couples Therapy

Many couples wait until they’re in crisis to reach out for help. But you don’t have to hit rock bottom before relationship counseling can make a difference. Here are some signs it might be time to bring in a neutral third party:

1. Communication Feels Impossible
You argue, but nothing gets resolved. Or worse—one or both of you shut down completely. Maybe it’s passive aggression, constant defensiveness, or just walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. If you feel misunderstood, dismissed, or unheard, it’s a sign your communication patterns need attention.

2. The Same Conflicts Keep Coming Up
You’ve had this fight before—maybe about money, parenting, in-laws, or who does what around the house. You patch things up temporarily, but the tension always comes back. That’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting.

3. You Feel Emotionally Disconnected
The spark is gone, but it’s more than that. You feel distant. Maybe you’re still functioning as a team—getting through the day, managing logistics—but the intimacy, trust, and affection feel missing. If you’re feeling more like roommates than partners, it might be time to consider couples therapy.

4. A Major Life Transition is Causing Strain
Big changes—like moving, getting married, having a baby, switching careers, or dealing with loss—can shake even strong relationships. If you’re struggling to adjust together, therapy for couples can help you navigate the transition instead of turning on each other.

5. Trust Has Been Broken
Infidelity, secrecy, or dishonesty can damage the foundation of any relationship. If trust has been breached, you may be stuck in a cycle of suspicion, guilt, or withdrawal. Rebuilding trust is hard work, but not impossible—with the right support.

✨ ✨ If any of these hit home, couples therapy could be a turning point. But what if you and/or your partner are hesitant or unsure? Understanding what couples therapy involves can help ease those concerns. Here’s what you can expect from the process…

4 Things to Expect in Couples Therapy

If you’ve never done therapy before, the unknown can feel intimidating. That’s totally normal. And when two people are involved, it can feel even more daunting. It’s not just your own vulnerabilities you’re facing—it’s also the dynamic between you and your partner. But here’s the good news: couples counseling isn’t some mysterious, unpredictable process. It’s a structured approach designed to meet you where you are and help you move forward.

1. The First Session: Laying the Groundwork
Most couples therapists start with an intake session to get the full picture of your relationship. You can expect questions about:

• Your relationship history

• What challenges you're currently facing

• What you both hope to get out of the process

• Any previous experiences with therapy—together or individually

Some couples therapists prefer to meet with each partner one-on-one before bringing you into joint sessions. Others dive right in with both of you present. Neither is better—it depends on the therapist’s style and your specific situation.

2. The Role of the Therapist in Couples Therapy
A couples therapist isn’t there to take sides or play referee. Their role is to guide you through tough conversations in a way that’s productive, not explosive. A good couples therapist:

• Stays neutral and nonjudgmental.

• Helps identify destructive patterns (like criticism or defensiveness) and replace them with healthier habits.

• Teaches tools for better communication and conflict resolution.

• Gives you things to work on between sessions so change doesn’t stop at the door.

3. Common Therapy Approaches You Might Encounter
Depending on the therapist's training and your needs, you might encounter different couples therapy techniques such as:

• Gottman Method – Helps identify destructive patterns (like criticism or defensiveness) and replace them with healthier habits

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Builds stronger emotional bonds and helps partners tune into each other’s core needs

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Targets unhelpful thoughts or behaviors that are driving conflict or disconnection

4. How Long Does It Take?
Couples therapy can vary in length depending on your unique needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Some couples see shifts in a few sessions, especially if the issues are recent or less entrenched. For deeper wounds or long-standing patterns, a few months of consistent work may be needed. Most people start with weekly or biweekly sessions and adjust as things improve.

✨Knowing what to expect makes the whole process feel more approachable. Next, let’s talk about something just as important—why therapy has to be a mutual decision, because forcing someone into it rarely works.

Why You Can’t Force Your Partner Into Couples Therapy (And What to Do Instead)

Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are willing participants. If someone is only in the room because they were guilted, pressured, or dragged, they’re far less likely to engage—and the process breaks down before it even begins.

Why Forcing Doesn’t Work

• Therapy only works when both people are showing up with at least some willingness to grow.

• A resistant partner may shut down, get defensive, or just go through the motions. And that doesn’t help anyone.

• Forcing someone into counseling can turn it into a punishment instead of an opportunity for connection.

What to Do Instead

• ✔ Lead by example – Try starting with individual therapy first. Showing your own growth can sometimes shift the dynamic.

• ✔ Normalize therapy – Frame it as part of self-care, not just something you do when things are falling apart.

• ✔ Use “I” statements – Saying, "You need therapy" invites resistance. Try, "I think therapy could help us communicate better."

• ✔ Introduce the idea slowly – Share stories, books, or podcasts where therapy made a positive impact. Let the concept simmer.

✨ Whether your partner is on board with couples therapy or not, there are still real tools you can start using to improve your relationship. Let’s get into some practical strategies next.

5 Couples Therapy Techniques You Can Try at Home

While couples counseling is the most effective route for deeper, ongoing issues, there are techniques you can start using today to improve communication and build connection. These aren’t magic fixes—but when practiced consistently, they can shift the tone of your relationship in powerful ways.

Active Listening: 

Helps both of you feel heard and reduces misunderstandings. 

Let’s be honest: most of us aren’t great listeners. We’re usually just waiting for our turn to talk. Active listening isn’t about perfect communication—it’s about showing the other person that you’re genuinely trying to understand them.

How to do it:

• Take turns being the speaker and the listener.

• When your partner shares something, reflect back to them what you heard them say, in your own words, before responding.

• Ask, “Did I get that right?” and make space for them to clarify if needed.

Showing that you’re trying to understand lowers defenses, and actually listening reduces misunderstandings and helps both partners feel heard—especially during tense or emotionally charged moments.

Check in with Yourself

stay grounded, reduce reactivity, and help your partner feel safe enough to stay engaged 

It’s hard to have a productive conversation when your nervous system is in overdrive. Before bringing something up:

Pause and Assess:

• Is your heart racing?

• Is your tone sharper than you mean it to be?

• Are you feeling emotionally flooded?

Many people wear smartwatches or fitness trackers these days—use that data. If your heart rate is above 100 bpm, chances are you’re not in the best space to communicate effectively. Step away, breathe, and ground yourself before continuing.

Also pay attention to your non-verbal communication:

• Soften your expression, slow your breathing

• Keep hands visible and relaxed, avoid pointing or sharp gestures

• Tilt head slightly, and nod occassionally

• Make gentle eye contact (enough to connect but not so intense it feels like a stare-down)

• Unclench your jaw, let your shoulders drop, angle your body slightly toward your partner.

You can say all the right words, but your body will often say something louder. And remember: energy escalates energy. If you bring calm into the conversation, your partner is more likely to stay calm too.

Weekly “Huddles”

Be proactive about tension, and create a consistent space for connection and course correction. 

A little structure can go a long way. Setting aside regular, intentional time to check in helps keep small issues from turning into big ones - and prevents emotional distance from creeping in.

What it can look like:

• Set a 10–15 minute window once a week. Consistency matters more than perfection, so if you miss a week, just get back to it.

• No distractions, no phones—just presence.

• Choose a neutral setting and mood. You don’t want to have this conversation right before bed or in the middle of a fight.

• Remind each other: this is about being heard, not being “right.” Agree to listen more than you troubleshoot.

• Ask each other:

• What’s going well in our relationship?

• What could be better?

• How can we support each other this week?

Even when things are going smoothly, these check-ins can help keep you emotionally aligned and on the same team. Think of this as routine maintenance. Staying connected when it’s easy makes it easier to stay connected when it’s not.

Love Languages

Increase emotional intimacy by showing care in ways that truly land.

Ok, ok, I know this is cliche. But seriously - learn each other’s love languages. You can both take the quiz, even if you think you know which ones you have. Then, commit to showing love in your partner’s preferred language for one week.

Once you know each other’s love languages, try:

• Leaving a note or sending a text (Words of Affirmation)

• Doing a task they usually handle (Acts of Service)

• Planning one-on-one time without distractions (Quality Time)

• Offering more intentional hugs, kisses, or touch (Physical Touch)

• Picking up a small, thoughtful gift—nothing big needed (Receiving Gifts)

Learning the language is just the first step. Using it regularly—even in small ways—can go a long way toward helping your partner feel loved, not just know they are.

Simple Script for Tense Moments

Keep conflicts from spiraling by focusing on emotions and needs—not blame.

When tensions rise, it’s easy to slip into criticism or defensiveness. This simple structure helps you stay grounded and clear:

“I feel [emotion] when [situation].

What I need is [specific ask].”

Example:

“I feel overwhelmed when I have to plan everything alone. What I need is for us to share the responsibility.”

When you lead with vulnerability instead of accusation, your partner is less likely to feel attacked—and more likely to stay open and engaged. You’re not aiming for perfection—just a calmer, more honest way to express what’s going on underneath the tension.

✨These tools won’t replace couples therapy, but they can create immediate shifts. If you’ve tried these and things still feel stuck, working with a couples therapist might be the next best step.

Conclusion: Reframing Couples Therapy as a Tool

Couples therapy isn’t a sign that something’s broken. It’s a sign that you care. That you’re willing to show up, look at the hard stuff, and invest in something worth keeping.

It’s not just for couples on the verge of breaking up—it’s for couples who want to stay connected, even when life gets messy. It’s for people who know that love alone isn’t enough without the skills to support it.

And here's the thing, not every partner is ready at the same time. That doesn’t mean you're stuck or it’s hopeless. Sometimes, it starts with one person doing the work—getting grounded, regulating their own nervous system, showing up differently. That shift alone can create space for something new.

You don’t need to beg, convince, or drag someone into therapy. If your partner isn’t there yet, that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Change doesn’t always start in a therapist’s office—it often starts at home, with one person doing something different.

You can lead by example. Start with small shifts like weekly check-ins, practicing active listening, showing care in a way that actually lands. These aren’t gimmicks—they’re relationship skills. And they matter, with or without a therapist in the room.

So whether you’re doing this together or starting solo, the goal is the same: stronger connection, clearer communication, more resilience when life gets hard.

And if therapy feels like the next right step, take it. Not because you're failing—but because you're growing.

✨ Ready to Explore Couples Therapy? Here’s How to Find the Right Therapist for You ✨

Finding a therapist who specializes in couples therapy and fits your unique needs is important. Here are some resources to help you get started:

• Search Psychology Today’s Therapist Directory:

  • Psychology Today allows you to filter for couples therapy, your location, insurance, and more. Just enter your zip code and use the filters to narrow down your options.

• Explore the Gottman Institute’s Directory:

  • The Gottman Institute Therapist Directory lists therapists trained in the Gottman Method, a research-backed approach for building stronger, healthier relationships.

• Check with Your Insurance Provider:

  • If you want to use insurance, call the customer service number on your card or visit their online portal to search for in-network couples therapists.

Remember: The right fit matters. Take your time finding a therapist who feels like a good match for both of you.